Stop Apologizing For Having Sex

Ladies-actually, no, not just the women, this one is for men too. We all need to not only hear this, but listen to this.

I found myself downtown, sitting on the courthouse steps. The same courthouse I went to (turns out I was supposed to go the justice center instead, but ah, that’s another story for another time) when I had to file a PFA (protection from abuse) just a few months prior. My lungs were wide open from the hot yoga class I just took as the wintery cold wind swept in through my chest. I sat next to an ex of mine on the courthouse stairs as he smoked a cigarette. “I know you weren’t experienced in committed relationships…but”

He began to bring up the past-before our past. B.C.: Before Commitment. Before the first date. Before the relationship, before even dating. Why does this matter? I don’t know. Why did he then pursue and ask for commitment with me after knowing my sexual history (that was obviously a major problem to him)? I don’t know. Apparently, it’s wrong to be in relationships if you’ve had sex with other people, before that relationship. Maybe my emotions are charged right now because of all of the “you’ll go to hell for premarital sex,” lectures I heard as a kid.

I found myself, buried under a jacket, and cold, sweaty yoga clothes apologizing for having sex. With someone else. When I was single. I don’t know about you guys, but until we establish together, that we are TO-GE-THER, you are not in a relationship and therefore, can see other people. Ok, thank you for coming to my TED talk. Now, obviously, each situation has strings attached and different factors that make up the situation itself, just like this one. Or if you’re in a relationship that’s not open and are cheating, that’s an entirely different talk we can have another time. What I’m talking about here is single people having sex & the notion that some men get where they think just because they texted you for a week, you are theirs. Anyways, as I was walking back to my car, through the ghost town brick streets, I began to think about this.

Call this a feminist rant (as if that’s a bad thing), I don’t care. My roommate said to me once, “Be careful, because although you both have the freedom to have sex, it’s always the woman that gets the blame.” It’s true, I’ve lived it and have watched other women as well. For Christ’s sake, I was hit by a man because I told him that we (me and this other lady friend of mine the guy also once pursued) didn’t owe him sex and/or a report card, chart, list, or explanation on who and why we’ve slept with who we have.” End of story. He was not amused, obviously, and then I ended up having to get a protection order for that and many reasons. But those fucking empowering, “women don’t owe you their body just because they smiled at you once or laughed at your joke,” words that came from my mouth that night was worth all of it.

Stop apologizing for having sex. If you’re with a man who ever so slightly judges you for your sexual history or past-leave. I’m not kidding. Although we’ve worked so hard for sexual liberation, and it exists, we still collectively have perceived notions we need to let go of. Anddd we don’t need anyone reacting negatively to our sexual past on top of it.

So, here is a list of FACTS for the #stillsadlysexist world.

  1. You don’t owe a resume of your sexual history to anybody. Unless you feel the need to tell someone, that’s not their business.
  2. You don’t owe sex to your significant other because a.) they are in the mood and will pout if you don’t have sex with them, b.) because they fixed your headlights or flat tire, or taken out the trash c.) they are insecure about other men and think that by sleeping with. you or “being all PDA” will reassure their insecurities that THEY need to sort out, not you, girl. You have sex when you BOTH are into it.
  3. You don’t need to feel embarrassed, ashamed, or apologetic for having been with more partners in the past than your current partner.
  4. You don’t ever need to “give in” or “get it over with.”

If you want more of these facts, check out the list at the end of my blog post Sex and Shame. And, what I’ve learned is that there is a MAJOR difference between being a sexually empowered woman vs having casual sex you’re doing in order to feel sexually empowered. Maybe that will be Friday’s blog post.

Trust me, I’ve done all of the above and all it leads to is the worst PTSD episodes and resentment in your life. Listen, being sexually liberated doesn’t mean you need to force yourself to be someone you’re sexually not. Meaning, if you are a committed relationship gal-then only accept that! And if you are more free spirited-then be that! What it comes down to is this: The only times apologies need to follow sex is when you are apologizing to yourself after abandoning yourself for someone else’s desires.

Stop apologizing for having sex.

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