I’ve done it mannyyy times. I know, it’s bad and definitely not an emotionally intelligent move. For those of you who don’t know what an “Irish goodbye” is, it’s when you quietly slip out the door at a party without telling anyone. I vividly remember my grandmother from Ireland putting her cold hands on my cheeks and kissing me on the forehead while whispering, “I’ll see you again,” in her Irish brogue right before she’d sneak out the backdoor. My grandfather on the other hand, who’d leave with her (and was the life of the party), usually blew her cover on the way to the exit. They were fun people. I use to wonder what it would be like to party with them if we were the same age.
I feel like what I’ve done here has been along the lines of an Irish Goodbye. Maybe you follow my Instagram, maybe you don’t, but over the past few weeks, I had been announcing upcoming posts. They haven’t been posted. I started a daily “yoga card/pose of the day” on my Instagram. They stopped. I started this blog back in August with all of this passion. It hasn’t gone away, nor do I think it will ever go away. Regardless of what career or life path I end up doing, this blog is something I will never release. If I could devote my life to one thing: it would be to help other sexual abuse survivors feel free and to create the life they’ve always wanted. That they deserve. After you are sexually abused, there’s a roadblock in your life path. Usually, your time afterward is either spent working through the problem such as therapy, group meetings, yoga, etc. Or it is spent numbing the emotions through substances, eating disorders, and even certain OCD compulsions that guarantee “you’re safe if you do _.” Either way, your day to day life becomes somehow impacted by the trauma.
Anyway, the roadblock currently is not the trauma, it’s constantly being sick. It’s not even the sickness that is the frustrating part, but it’s not knowing what it is. Since the last week of August, I’ve been getting a fever, chills, aches, sore throat, swollen lymph nodes….la de da da da… every week or every other week. Let’s just say, I’ve gotten a LOT of covid tests over the past few months from different care centers and hospitals in the area. Thankfully, they’ve all come back negative. They thought it was strep, it was not. They are running blood tests this week, which probably should have happened wayyyy earlier. I won’t go into the details because it’s boring. I recovered from last weeks fever a few days ago until last night I saw that there were bumps all over my face, and then woke up again with chills and a fever.
That’s when I decided: “Je vais prendre une pause.”
I will be taking a break until I sort out what is going on. I want these blog posts to actually help people, and I feel that if I tried to crank out a post and Instagram updates throughout the week and every Friday, they would be shit. To quote the very first boy that unhooked my bra, (as I told him “sorry, there’s not much there, just fyi,”: “I believe it’s about the quality, not the quantity.”
….yeah, I KNOW, SO many things WRONG that scenario there but I’ll discuss that another day.
All in all, To be able to post content that heals, helps, and inspires survivors, I need to be thinking somewhat clearly. All my clothes are in plastic bins because I am currently in the midst of a move, yet don’t know where I am moving to. I’ll be staying at my Aunt’s. So between figuring that out, my health, and how to make money with frequent fevers, I will be taking a (hopefully) short break. Maybe I’ll start healing affirmations, cry in child’s pose, or continue to make the decoctions that my acupuncturist cousin has been sending me.
I love you all, and this is not an Irish Goodbye.
Because I will be back.