I can’t tell if my head is throbbing because I’ve been crying for days on end or extreme dehydration from sweating out the remaining water in my body during hot yoga this past week. I’m writing this post on a Friday morning. Whereas I usually already have a blog post written and published by then. My world seems like it’s crumbling down. It feels like I’ve washed ashore, coughing up all the saltwater from the sea.
Last weekend I filed an emergency PFA. Right now, it’s too fresh to talk about in-depth and I want to speak about it when I’m in less of an emotionally charged state. What I will say is that it hit me hard with heavy emotional parallels from the past. I haven’t felt such an inherent sense of sadness in a long time. I can understand why most people don’t report because the court process is the most overwhelming experience. I honestly would’ve given up if I wasn’t so concerned about being protected.
I left work early because I couldn’t stop crying. Last night, I began to romanticize in my mind three glasses of wine and Xanax. Or the field trips to multiple liquor stores throughout the week because of the embarrassment of about what the cashiers would think of my frequent trips if I continually went to the same one. I’ve come too far from those habits to go back to them. Right now, I need to be that dependable person that I needed when I was younger. I cannot worry like my mother did, about what others would think, losing relationships, causing ruined relationships. Instead, I need to take my power back and become that person I would be in a heartbeat for someone else.
If you’re like me and tend to escape the chaos through substances or getting another tattoo, try pausing and using these tools below instead.
Write: Just write down a list of stressors, they sound irrational but it’s a cathartic release. I learned this from my woman’s studies professor who would have us write what we were stressed about before class.
Do Some Fucking Yoga: The waves of sadness and frustration washed ashore through each vinyasa flow. Pigeon pose will also aid in the release of emotions.
Focus on Health: Instead of red wine, I’ve been drinking a ton of GT’s cranberry kombucha. Instead of relapsing or living off of only green juice and cigarettes, I’ve been making berry smoothies and salads. Lot’s of Liposomal Vitamin C and Zinc to support immunity. Also GABA and L-Theanine for stress. If you don’t know about amino acids and their functions I suggest reading Julia Ross’s books.
Cry: It’s detoxifying, healing, and extremely embarrassing when it happens at work.
Make the promise to never abandon yourself. There are so many “should’s” that cloud our minds as well as concerns about people’s opinions. But you can’t let that stop you from protecting yourself. No one has the right to release their anger physically on you, no one has the right to tell you and decide if their actions and words are making you uncomfortable. Go with yourself.
If you are struggling with dark thoughts and feel like there is no escape, here is a link to a post I wrote on my old blog about moving through the darkness.